EDIT: The link should now be public so be sure to enjoy it...
"Alas" said the maiden, shivering and rubbing herself (in an attempt to keep warm) "The icy chill from the black hearts of these goths doth freeze me to the bone, and the arrival of each vampyr is accompanied by blizzards from the northern wastes. How will I ever keep my bosom thawed enough so that these children will find it welcoming?".
And then she came upon an idea.
"Through the power of international corporate advertising I recall a potent elixir, normally served hot. It goes by many names depending on the genre of the work, but I know it as coffee. Perhaps through its dark, bitter brew I can once again be as a beacon in the night, calling those who are not of the undead to my table. Plus I've rubbed myself raw!"
"Noble barkeep! Canst thou vend me a steaming brew made from the beans of the coffee plant?"
"Wot?" grunts he in the manner of the unwashed.
"A coffee. For I am a maiden in distress. My bosom needs warming."
"Oh!" he perks up at the mention of the work bosom.
"... from the inside, and no, not like that you dirty peasant"
Finally he braves her beauty to raise his eyes from his feet to gaze at her perfect face "Erm, no. They only have a machine downstairs."
"Ah-ha!" the maiden is not daunted by the scale of this task, for the stairs are clear of vomit and urine at this point in the evening, and although it involves going outside for perhaps ten metres while walking around the castle, she is brave and is wearing sensible shoes.
Wrapping herself up warm within her hoodie she sets off into the night... briefly. A short while later, having bested hungry wolves and ugly, clinging shadows she finds the appropriate vendor of beverages, the operator of THE MACHINE.
"Well met young ruffian!" she exclaims at him "I have need of a cup of coffee from your machine, to take upstairs."
"Hah! You may have evaded my wolves but know that I am still you better princess. You cannot have my hot liquid as you would have to take it outside and that is against the terms of the Emperor's edict and our license."
"You must be joking Governor Tarkin. I could smell your foul stench."Erm, hang on. "You must be joking, I'm taking it from one room in this castle to another. The taking it outside bit is a technicality."
"I will not be moved on this." the gnome grunts as he draws himself to his full height in his slippers (one of you must get the reference) "It is more than my jobsworth."
"Bugger." says our heroine.
The gnome's eyes light up.
"Not that you moron. Can you perhaps take the drinks through the secret passage fashioned by the dwarves within the castle, and meet me in the upstairs room. That way your lowly position will be maintained."
"Oh go on - I'll flash you a bit of thigh."
"Ok then, but only as it's quiet."
The gnome takes her gold coins in his grubby mitts and the maiden once more braves the embrace of the night to return to her tower room. Amply protected by the garlic strung around her neck she held off the forces of evil long enough for the gnome to appear from a hidden passage.
"Gnome! You are empty handed! Where is my beverage? You promised me faithfully that you would provide me a refreshing fluid."
"My lady, I was thwarted. We have no milk."
"You have no milk? Craven fool! Can it not be served as black as the cloaks of these vampyrs? It need neither milky excretions nor sweet crystals to warm my bosom (from the inside, no, not like that, etc.)"
"Sorry" mumbled the gnome and disappeared leaving only a small pile of gold coins behind.
"Shit" said the maiden in a most unladylike manner.