Quidnunc (kneeshooter) wrote,
Quidnunc
kneeshooter

Alexander or: How I learned to stop bleaching and waste three hours of my life

Ok, let's start with a brief overview - it could have been worse. Now, with the good points out of this way on with the criticsm.

Actually, that's a bit unfair - but in the style of, erm, a list of bullet points - my thoughts.

+ The battle scenes were on the whole excellent. The first major battle was a work of art. It was messy, brutal, confused, fast and frankly terrifying. The elephant battle later on was equally good - except for the vaguely trippy finale that was probably there to remind the audience they were watching an Oliver Stone film. These were not screengrabs from Rome: Total War (like LotR, Troy, etc.) but looked like real people in an extraordinary situation.
+ Some of the cinematography was brilliant. The extreme close-ups worked well (when the shot wasn't obviously flipped and peoples make-up was properly blended...).
+ Some of the monologues were very well done. The film used this mechanism a lot and most of the cast could handle it.
+ The set pieces were beautiful. The dancing was mostly of a high standard, and while there were a lot of people looking quite old (Brian Blessed - ooops of course I mean BRIAN BLESSED, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Plummer) they grabbed hold of scenes and pulled you in. Well, their scenes anyway...
+ Angelina Jolie had a pretty good go at acting. Pleasantly surprising.
+ Val Kilmer can act. He's not really so hot on the old Oirish Accent but apart from that he was an excellent Philip.
+ On-screen totty. Rosario Dawson++ Jonathan Rhys-Meyers++. This gentleman doesn't prefer blondes.
+ Babylon. Oh yes. Everything the British Museum wants to show you.
+ Knife pr0n. Brief, but nice.

And the rest...

- Colin Farrell. Oh dear. Firstly he should sack his hairdresser, then his acting coach, then himself. There's an argument that says that an actor can only be as good as the script. But no, just no. He never looked comfortable, he never looked the right age and the "teenage Alexander curls" reminded me of a bloody hobbit. Then he turned into an 80s rock god. Richard Burton looked so much better - and he could act too (kinda).
- Colin Farrell's eyebrows. Clearly they had a better contract than he did to avoid the bleach.
- The script. It sucked. Needless to say I wasn't surprised to find (I think) three screenwriting credits. It was confused, directionless and frankly too long.
- The Irish accents. I don't care if Ancient Greeks would have sounded like that, I don't care that it was a good way of showing the different ethnicities. It was distracting and detracted from the film. If most of the actors could have pulled off a convincing accent then maybe it wouldn't have been quite so bad.
- "Bad guys where too much eyeliner" - yes - we got that from The Two Towers. Those pesky easterners again...
- "America wants to come and help you become civilised, build you cities, repair your earthquake damage, improve your lives". I'm probably a touch sensitive to this after reading about "America as Imperial Power" but still.
- Some of the make-up. If you're going for "EXTREME CLOSE UP" then get it right. Honestly.

So, there we go. Anyone up to disagree with me? ;-)
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