I’m sure everyone has half-finished projects – and the internet does a great job of reminding me of this. There are long-neglected websites, blogs and journals that come close to haunting me and reminding me of my own inadequacies.
But all is not lost. There’s so much going on to be happy, or even excited about in my life right now. I’ve a lot of other people to thank for it and I can hope that with massive change coming up that they will all be there, continuing to be wonderful.
Nothing is as liberating as quitting your job. I wasn’t unhappy in Nottingham particularly – but the promise and picture I’d created in my head wasn’t delivering. It would have been so easy to concentrate on the positives – like the colleagues and the addictive national stage. Ultimately I had a choice to accept it and play the game better, or do something rash, impulsive, expensive and arguably risky. Not like me at all – but perhaps how I want to be?
Numbers are flashing before my eyes. I blink and I’ve missed another week. Not to mention the digits inexorably decreasing in my bank account. But heh – can’t be buried with it – and it’s not worth a lot sitting in the bank.
One thing I’ve not seen a lot of this year is snow. Normally at this time I’d be full of the joys of winter. Not this year. Whilst all around me are careering down mountains I’ve been working harder than I have in years. I don’t particularly expect or deserve sympathy on this. But believe me when I say I’ve done more work in a single term than I did in the entire three years of my undergraduate. Mind you, that wouldn’t have been difficult.
Essay writing has been interesting. Last night my head was afire with ideas after working all weekend. Of course the coffee may have helped! Maybe I should join the massed ranks of underpaid academics. At least one of my lecturers agrees if an unambiguous question on my interest in a PhD is to be believed. Of course she went quiet when I mentioned funding.
The main thing I am missing at the moment is my camera. They are both hidden away in bags – for fear that the unblinking eye will stare and guilt at me. I’ve not spent the time on it. I’ve not dealt with my backlog. I’ve not updated my website. I spent my last planned weekend away taking photos wrestling with EBSCO and JSTOR. Not quite the same level of photographic indulgence. I have plans of course, though my confidence in my ability to deliver has been slightly dented.
Odyssey looks more likely. Working on it is both a joy and a pain. It is fascinating to be in the company, however virtual, with such a range of people. Sometimes I feel the majority of the weight of the project is on my shoulders. And there’s probably a reason for that. It is a wonderful opportunity though – and I think of the prize.
Change is coming. Flush from the success of the last impulsive decision I risk being in freefall. Sod moving my cheese – it seems to have dropped out of a high-flying aircraft and has reached terminal velocity. It looks like I’ll be in London over the summer. Beyond that? I don’t know. I need a job. I’m hungry for opportunity and that might mean the big smoke. There are a number of seductive elements to the place but Birmingham isn’t without its charms.
Which brings me onto Love. Not a word I know how to use particularly well. But I’m learning. To say I’ve been reminded what it’s about is an understatement – both giving and receiving.
I think that’s enough for now. See you in another year.