Adapted from British boarding school slang used to signify the new pupil marked out for ritual burning around the time when the Vikings were really beginning to wonder if it was all worth it, the name Simon was originally used penetratingly to refer to a breed of goose, before being lost during a holiday in Exmouth.
1. Simon ap Frewsy, PhD, exposed in the press as having swapped a child for between nine and fifteen scientific principles;
2. Simon Lilly Li, co-writer of INDIANA JONES AND THE PHARAOH'S TROUSERS; first holder of the fairly secret office of Royal Plumber's Mate;
3. Simon Lonfial ("The Terrible"), fascinated to death by a creature from the id;
4. Simon Sprewt, named in court as holding compromising material concerning a musical quiz show based on the Nanjing Massacre; first holder of the office of Queen's Own Loan Shark;
5. Simon Trabmaw, champion of the right to use Elvis impersonator impersonators; ghost-writer of Jerry Desmonde's revolutionary, hologram autobiography, FROM TOP TO BOTTOM;
6. Simon Oaf, MSc, opponent of the hovering cinema;
7. Inspector Simon T U Macaulay-Millington, MSc ("The Pale"), proponent of Paul McCartney's Wings; ghost-writer of Yootha Joyce's heavily censored autobiography, E-MAIL ME FOR THE SECRET OF MY MILLIONAIRE'S SUCCESS;
8. Simon O C Tinkermouse, MSc ("The Blue"), aroused by the definitive manual on drowning;
9. Simon M Oily ("The Thing"), channeller under supernatural influences of a nice cup of tea;
10. "Terrible" Simon Mapduster, indifferent to mottled glass; last holder of the office of Lord Mayor's Official Stenciller.
Typical Simon motto
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."